Welcome: Me! and of course any stray readers that stumble upon my blog. I'm not planning on advertising this blog to my friends, so my main objective isn't to grow an audience, but I'm not opposed to outside feedback either. I'm in a spot (life-wise) with a ton of question marks and a lot of big decisions. It might be helpful to type a few notes and try to get things together. Anyway, enough explaining to myself. I only have a few minutes.
I had a little time the other day to do some cleaning. I hate cleaning, but I have so much stuff from past semesters, it's just pointless and potentially hazardous (school paper avalanche) to let it clutter. Anyway, I found some old note with my first xanga info. I had forgotten about the existence of it. I logged in and found it was still there. After blowing all the dust that had gathered over the years, I read some posts that I had up from early high school. I realized looking at them now that I was definitely not a happy duck. It really surprised me because I had no idea at the time. Seeing that now helped me take a step back and look at the past few years. They have been getting progressively harder but I can say that I'm a lot better now than I was then. I had no problem seeing the issues at home, but it never occurred to me that they had been chipping away at my confidence and good spirits. I simply saw them as problems common with every family, so I just had to tough it out. I didn't know then that two road stood ahead of me. I'm confident now that I chose the right one, and it's the one thing I can thank my step-father for. Having a role model like him was so confusing. I finally got to the point where I simply determined it was best to stay away from him. He was a living, breathing example of what not to do and what not to become. Despite all those bad times and hard years, it feels good to know that I stuck it out. All the yelling, violence, and drinking became a permanent reminder of the person I never want to be. It was a rocky road in the early years, but I overcame it and can be thankful for that. I don't hate the man or hold a grudge against him like I thought I would. I realized that hatred was nothing but static, dead weight, and burden. Moving onto the next chapter with as little resentment as possible has made all my current and future project easier to approach. I may not have grown up with those father-son bonding experiences, but I'm happy that I learned important lessons early. While I may be stressed and tired at the end of each day from being swamped with school and work.. I know I'll be ready to take on the next day... and I'm grateful for that.